407 ETR has announced a new toll payment  plan to be implemented beginning January 1st, 2015.  At a sparsely attended  media press conference,  407 ETR spokesperson Kenny Sims explained the new proposal. Customers will have two choices when it comes to bill payment; make the traditional fiscal payment, or be anally penetrated by selected members of 407 ETR board.

“The new plan offers 407 ETR drivers greater flexibility when it comes to paying tolls’ beamed Sims.

In recent years, critics of the 407 privates highway had complained of tolls that in some cases are ten times more costly than U.S. highway tolls. Sims points out that those criticisms really motivated the 407 ETR board of directors to show their customers that’s it not all about money.

“I think it’s pretty clear that board members care enough  to sacrifice a little bit of cash for the opportunity to get closer to it’s customers”

It is unclear at this time if the deal will apply to new East extenstion of highway 407 that will be administered by the province.

“That’s up to them,” admitted Sims, “Usually private enterprise is better at providing this kind of service for their customers.  Any attempt by the government to repeatedly engage their customers in this way would mostly be a long drawn out process, and you know the union is going to want to get in there which is going to make people very uncomfortable.”

The press corps  in attendance was given the opportunity to ask more questions about the new payment plan and how it helps solve long term transit issues  but opted instead to ask what this had to do with Rob Ford.

When Sims responded that “to the best of my knowledge, he has never passed out on our highway”, the press corps immediately left.