Proposed by-law Causes Uproar in Burlington

Some Burlington residents are up in arms over a new proposal that critics say would have a serious impact on the rights of many Burlington seniors. Before the city council is a motion to amend the current ban on cats in public so that it also includes men who wear their belts above their abdomen.  Charles Tupper, the ninety eight year old president  of Seniors in Pants Prefer Equal Rights (SIPPER) “This is clearly ageist,”  said Tupper, before dying and being quickly replaced 90 year old Avi Goldberg.

Goldberg is just the next President in line to lead SIPPER  and is  organizing a street protest this week to convince city councillors that the measure should not be passed. “We all know who this measure is going to affect the most.” Goldberg said,  “although I can’t quite remember right now, who are you?”

Proponents of the measure claim that it’s all part of Burlington’s plans to beautify the city. “Look, let’s just be honest, it’s not attractive to see a 75 year man who looks like he’s impregnated himself,” says Ward 18 councillor Larry Weldman. Weldon is adamant is his defense of the the proposal but suggests that amendments are possible.. “Oakville passed a similar by law this year but a last minute ammendment allows them to drive around the city in golf carts.”

Weldon is quick to point out that the Burlington council is still discussing different ideas. “There’s lots of options here. Micro-chipping, leashes in designated park areas and 4 p.m. curfews. We’re just trying to contain this before it gets out of hand.”

The elderly activists at SIPPER remain unconvinced.  Their new President, 94  year old Henri Hoffman, explains. “We all know this is being pushed by special interests!” alluding to the fact that Weldman is owner and operator of the popular suspender brand ”Up with Pants”.

Weldman is unapolagetic. “My business interest in selling suspenders to seniors that would completely solve the problem for seniors at an affordable price, great service and a life time guarantee has nothing to do with my support for this idea and the ongoing 2 for 1 sale is something I just happened to mention.”

Burlington City Council will be voting on the idea later in the month.